Negative Spiral
by Sardixiis
Summary: Olivia's gut was telling her that something was wrong, but she didn't know why. The only way to find out was to check in on Amanda and see. Post Season 15 Episode 9 addition after Amanda returns from gambling.


**Negative Spiral**

_Author's Note: Yeah, yeah. I know I should be working on Vesuvius, but I couldn't help myself. Rapist Anonymous was way too inspiring. Of course I didn't spend as much time revising and editing this one because of Vesuvius, but it should still be okay._

* * *

Olivia had seen the initial indication of Amanda having trouble and distancing herself from the rest of them right after the case with the framed music teacher. At the time she'd been too focused on trying to pull herself back together to really do much about it. With so much on her mind and no further signs of impending blow up, Olivia hadn't thought much about what was going on with Amanda after that. At least she hadn't until their most recent case with Amanda's friend and the twelve step programs. Then everything had suddenly exploded at once. Her arguments, denials, and short temper were neon signs as bright as the seemingly spontaneous flare ups Amanda was having. Once again Olivia hadn't pushed. Amanda wasn't her partner. Besides, the other woman had made it incredibly clear that she didn't want Olivia's help or anyone else's for that matter. It was only later that Olivia had seen all of the warning signs and she'd tried to reach out. After being shot down, brutally as a matter of fact, she'd been done. She had too much to worry about and focus on with herself to try and help Amanda. In order to have a chance to get through to her coworker she needed to be on solid footing to begin with, and she definitely didn't have that. It was hard to be a life preserver for someone else when the waves were washing over and drowning you too.

Later that evening, long after they'd all gone home for the night, Olivia couldn't escape the feeling that was clawing at her gut. Something was wrong. She shouldn't have left the situation with Amanda alone. There was no reason she should think that or assume that Amanda needed someone to catch her immediately, but Olivia still couldn't shake the feeling. It didn't make any sense, but she knew that if she didn't do something to put her fears to rest she would never sleep that night.

Doing that, proving to herself that her gut was wrong, was the reason why she found herself standing outside of Amanda's apartment door. She could feel her unease growing as she stood there even though she still didn't understand why the feeling had cropped up in the first place. Unfortunately knowing she needed to do something didn't make it any easier to do it. Olivia didn't feel remotely strong enough to confront Amanda, yet she still found her hand lifting to the door and knocking. As she waited for Amanda to open the door she kept running reassurances through her head. Everything would be alright; she would confirm that, and then she would head home to get some sleep.

That wasn't the case through, as she soon found out. The moment the door opened Olivia's fears were realized and she hadn't even seen Amanda yet. With the door opened partway the smell of cigarettes easily wafted into the hallway. Olivia had to fight not to panic. There were no lit cigarettes. It was just the smell. She fought down the memories, but it wasn't easy to do. The smaller scent of alcohol that was drifting past wasn't helping either. Instead of lingering on the smells Olivia forced herself to focus on what she was seeing. Apparently her gut had been right. Amanda stood in front of her looking for all the world like she wasn't fully aware of what was going on around her or that she simply didn't care. Her hair was pulled up into what Olivia assumed had once been a half bun or a knot but was now messy and pulled apart. Strands were loose and falling haphazardly around her face which only emphasized the uncaring look in her eyes.

"Great, it's you," Amanda grumbled blandly before pushing herself off the door frame she'd been resting against and turning away to head back inside. "What do you want?"

Olivia hadn't been invited in, but the door was still open so she stepped inside anyway. There was no way she could leave Amanda like this even if the other woman wanted to kick her out. As Amanda plodded over to her couch and flopped carelessly onto it Olivia walked further in, her eyes scanning the apartment for clues to what had happened. She plucked two slips of paper off the kitchen counter and glanced at them. Chips purchase tickets from the local casino. Both had amounts that Olivia would never dream of gambling with in one sitting, if ever. The pieces were falling into place. After dropping both onto the counter she turned to look at Amanda. She was sprawled on her back with a pillow propping up her head and her feet resting on the cushion so her knees were bend up. From everything Olivia had seen over their years working together Amanda was always professional. From the way she was acting now that had gone down the drain like everything else. Amanda was a complete mess.

Knowing she had to do something even if she didn't quite know what, Olivia grabbed a chair from the kitchen and dragged it toward the couch. She set the chair down in front of Amanda and sat down.

"Amanda, are you drunk?" Olivia asked gently.

"Do I look drunk?" Amanda drawled in return.

Normally Olivia had no trouble picking out when someone was drunk. She had a lot of experience with it. This time she wasn't so sure though. Yes, she suspected Amanda had been drinking but she didn't think it was to the level of truly being drunk. Her off kilter behavior was probably related to hitting a rather low point on the downward spiral she'd been riding recently. Olivia had heard about what had happened at court that day. There was no way it hadn't affected Amanda and caused her some emotional turmoil.

"Did you gamble tonight?" She pressed again instead of answering Amanda's question.

"So what if I did? Gonna turn me in? Get me fired?"

Her response came off almost tauntingly, and Olivia had to rein in a sign. Amanda's attitude had never been anywhere near that level before. Since she didn't really need an answer to the question (the slips she'd found were answer enough) Olivia continued.

"Why didn't you go to a meeting?" she near pleaded.

"Was goin' to, but then I realized that's what got me into this mess to begin with. So I decided why bother, ya know?" Amanda explained as she lifted her arm and started gesturing to add emphasis to what she was saying.

Olivia reached out and grabbed Amanda's wrist to still her, but Amanda immediately jerked her arm out of Olivia's grasp and rolled upright so she was sitting and glaring at Olivia. Her crystal blue eyes bore into Olivia like icicles honed to a deadly point.

"Don't touch me! I don't want your help. I don't _need_ your help. Go take care of someone else."

"Amanda…"

"Don't start with me! Leave me the hell alone, Liv. I can handle myself."

"Look at yourself, Amanda! You're on a deep negative spiral. You have to see that."

"I'm fine," Amanda snapped.

"Stop kidding yourself. You smell like a bar. You've been gambling again. You're snapping at your friends."

"Because y'all are buttin' into places you don't belong."

Olivia sighed but refused to give up. She had to hope that part of Amanda realized she was in trouble.

"They're worried about you. I'm worried about you. I know what a downward spiral looks like. What one feels like. I've seen too many of them. The last few months I've dealt with a lot of my own, so I know. I'm watching you fall down that same hole."

That she was absolutely sure of. Olivia really didn't want to watch Amanda continue falling.

"Y'all are just payin' so much attention, aren't you? It's none of your fuckin' business."

"That's what we do, Amanda. This unit has always been that way. We look out for each other at an extreme level almost all the time. An almost annoying one. We spend so much time together that there's no way not to get involved in each other's personal lives. At one point my old partner even turned up at my boyfriend's workplace to threaten him into talking to the department so I wouldn't lose my badge. Unfortunately that's pretty normal fare for all of us at SVU. There's only so much space between us, only so many secrets."

"Yeah, well, it sucks."

"It does," Olivia agreed.

Olivia's agreement was all Amanda needed let down the barricades she'd erected. The tension in Amanda's shoulders eased and her aggressive, confrontational posture faded. Amanda seemed to droop before Olivia's eyes. She dropped her elbows onto her thighs and folded in on herself before clasping her hands behind her neck. The pain she'd been keeping locked up inside was finally. Olivia actually preferred it that way. It meant that Amanda was starting to accept that she was hurting and maybe now she could start turning around with a little support.

"Talk to me, Amanda. I don't want to tell you what to do or dictate your life in any way. I don't know if I can even do anything to help, but I do know I can listen."

There was a long moment of silence before Amanda finally spoke up, her eyes still locked on her knees. Her voice started out strong but quickly wound up nearly choking out the words.

"Everythin's fallin' apart. It all started when you…"

Amanda didn't finish the sentence, but she didn't need to. There was only one way to finish that particular sentence. Olivia had to close her eyes and forcibly slow her breathing to stay in control. It was hard. The memories threatened to flood back and pain slashed through her, but she managed to hold it all back. She wasn't the only one struggling with the reminder. The stress had gotten to Amanda too, and tears were rolling down her face.

When she continued explaining she was still crying and trying to get the words out.

"And it keeps crumblin' more 'n' more. I just… I don't know what to do."

Olivia felt for Amanda and she could see how much trouble Amanda was having. Pushing herself out of her chair Olivia sat down on the couch beside her coworker and gently rubbed her back. Amanda's crying had turned into full on sobbing.

"Just let it out, Amanda," Olivia soothed.

The next thing she knew Amanda had turned and wrapped her arms around Olivia. Her tears immediately soaked into Olivia's shirt, but Olivia didn't mind. She simply held Amanda and continued to rub her back. Amanda was all alone, and Olivia knew what that felt like. She'd lived the same life for so many years. With that experience she wanted to make Amanda feel a little less alone in any way that she could.

"Shh. It's going to be okay."

Amanda only hiccupped and gripped tighter onto the back of Olivia's shirt. Olivia could feel Amanda's body shaking and continued to hold her and speak softly to help calm her down a little bit.

"Right now we may only be able to put the pieces back together with tape," Olivia told her, "but eventually it'll be glue and then something even stronger. If you trust anyone on that, trust me. I haven't gotten too far yet and I'm running out of tape so sometimes I feel like the pieces are only held together by bubblegum, but at least I'm heading in the right direction. You will figure it out too. One piece at a time."

They both would. Slowly. One tiny little piece at a time.


End file.
